You may remember Maggie and her sad tale. She said fantasies ruined her life. First there was the fantasy of the perfect marriage: “We think about how we’ll have a nice house, children, lots of money. We’ll travel, have awesome sex and unconditional love. Everything we’ve always wanted.”
Except her marriage was nothing like the fantasy.
Then there was the fantasy of the exciting divorce: “If we were single, everything would be great. We see our single friends and imagine that they’re having fun. We set new goals. We would find someone who filled every need before we ever settled down again.”
Again, her experience with divorce was nothing like that.
She learned, “The sad truth is there is no right person for us.”
Maggie contemplated suicide, as she had done at different points during her life: “I just want the pain to stop, but it never does. All I ever wanted was to be happy.”
Here are some of your responses to Maggie. . . .
Carl: “I’ve been married for 53 years to the most beautiful and interesting woman that I ever met. The idea of a nice house, children, money, great sex, travel, etc. is not a fantasy for us. We have all that, thanks to a bit of luck, some hard work, trust, lots of humor and consideration for each other’s space and needs.
“We’ve lived in fine houses, raised four successful children, had adequate money, experienced (and still do) great sex. We’ve snorkeled at Bora Bora, Eurailed across Europe, cruised the Nile and last month saw Machu Picchu and the jungles of Peru.
“It wasn’t all roses. We lost one child and had another shot in a robbery. But we made it through the tough times with the same resolve that made our marriage work so well. We really like each other! We’re not unique. Many of our generation can look back on the success of a happy life with an interesting and exciting partner. It’s a great world out there.”
Patricia: “If I didn’t know better, I’d have thought I wrote that column. Maggie is every dissatisfied, sad, lonely, miserable, unhappy, married or going-through-a-divorce woman. She wrote about exactly how I have felt every day since my divorce and remarriage.
I’ve been waiting for a change in my second husband for six years now. It’s not going to happen. I’ve been battling with myself for years whether I should stay or go. What bothers me is that I was married for 23 years the first time, and I left in the blink of an eye, yet I find it more difficult to go this time. Maggie’s final words — `All I ever wanted was to be happy’ — come out of my mouth often.”
Joy: “Maggie made me feel comfortable with where I’m at. I’m 29 and single. I think it’s terrible that this woman was almost going to take her life because of a man (men)! The real truth is that we need to make our own happiness with ourselves.
I’ve already accepted the fact that I may never get married and have children. And I’m OK with that. I have a family who loves me. I’m a sister, daughter and godmother. As long as I have my health, family and good friends and the freedom to travel and experience new things, I’ll be just fine.”
Bill: “Maggie, and so many others, needs to be told again and again: `There is a right person for each of us. The right person for me is me. The right person for you is you.’
“Unless or until you build a solid relationship with yourself, you will not have one with another person. It’s regrettable that Maggie has spent much of her life searching for someone to fulfill needs she must satisfy within herself first, and then supplement with the relationships of others.”
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Have anti-impotency drugs such as Viagra played a part in your relationships? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611, or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address, and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.