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HANNAH AND HER MISTER

Darlyne (not her real name) is miserable and she doesn’t know why.

Everything should be perfect. Here she is, famous, beautiful, extremely tall, rich and in love with Jack-Jack (not his, either). She should be thrilled. He’s the catch of the century. He’s even more famous than she, more beautiful, taller and richer. And he loves her. He wants to marry her.

Then why the long face?

“It’s his family,” says Darlyne. “His mother! His cousins! There’re so many of them!”

Darlyne is feeling totally overwhelmed, completely intimidated. How can she keep her wedding from becoming a circus? How can she keep the groomsmen from playing touch football during the ceremony? How can she keep cousin Maria’s husband from doing pushups in the reception line? How can she keep Uncle Ted away from the punch bowl?

“Why couldn’t Jack-Jack have been an orphan?” sighs Darlyne.

It’s not going to be easy for Daryl Hannah if she really marries JFK Jr. That’s one tough family she’ll be marrying into. Just ask Joan Kennedy. They swallow people whole. The only way Hannah stands a chance of keeping her identity is if she lays down the law from the beginning, starting with the wedding.

No. 1, the wedding takes place in Chicago. Forget Cape Cod. Just ask Miss Manners. It’s the bride’s family who throws the wedding. In the bride’s hometown. No. 2, the wedding reflects her taste and shouldn’t turn into another Camelot Extravaganza. Weddings belong to the bride. The groom is just another accessory, like the garter. No. 3, she controls the guest list. Invite lots of Hollywood folks and Francis Parker classmates. Who needs a lot of old New Frontiersmen hanging around?

Here, Daryl, are some hints on having a perfectly wonderful wedding:

Jackie dearest . . .

Mothers-in-law can be tricky under the best of circumstances. But when your mother-in-law is the most famous woman in the world, it’s a new ballgame. Here’s some advice on getting along with JKO:

– Whiiisssper.

– Call her belle mere. That’s French for mother-in-law. She likes that kind of stuff.

– Let her take you to Valentino for a full head-to-toe makeover. You don’t have to actually wear any of it, but it’ll make her feel good. (And it wouldn’t hurt you to lose the flea-market look for a day.)

– Don’t ask her what she actually does at Doubleday.

– Don’t ask her when she and her “longtime companion” Maurice Tempelsman are getting married.

– Never use the expression “Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”

– Never mention Marilyn Monroe.

Don’t bother to invite:

Joe McGinniss

Kitty Kelley

Oliver Stone

Sarah Jessica Parker

Angie Dickinson

Wedding presents

He could use a job.

You could use a decent script. And an iron.

Music

Anything but Jackson Browne.

The prenups

Nobody goes into a marriage thinking about a divorce, but let’s be practical. You both have enormous fortunes to protect. And other assets as well.

It’s easy enough for both of you to protect your money, but think about those intangibles. Spell them out.

In case of a divorce, he gets to keep the Kennedy Mystique, his father’s libido and the People magazine with him on the cover as the world’s sexiest man.

You get to keep your Screen Actors Guild card, the plaque given to you by Mr. Blackwell as one of the world’s worst-dressed women, and the complete library of your films, including “Clan of the Cave Bear,” “The Fury,” “The Final Terror,” “Hard Country,” “Summer Lovers,” “Reckless,” “Legal Eagles,” “High Spirits,” “Crazy People,” “At Play in the Fields of the Lord,” “The Pope of Greenwich Village,” “Roxanne,” “Wall Street,” “Crimes and Misdemeanors,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Memoirs of an Invisible Man,” “Blade Runner” and “Splash.”

And the outakes from your new HBO movie, “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.”

The honeymoon

Get real. The two of you have been traipsing all over the South Seas together. That’s as good as it gets.

A `SPLASH’ BASH

Some advice for Daryl: Why not give your wedding a theme based on your hit movie “Splash”? You could redo the mermaid bit, and swim instead of walk down the aisle. Think of the advantages. You don’t need a dress. A simple fish tail and hair extensions will do nicely.

Now, where to hold a “Splash” bash? Nick Nickolas says Nick’s Fishmarket in Rosemont, with its 1,500-gallon aquarium, would be perfect.

“It’s big enough even for a 5-foot-10-inch girl,” says Nickolas, who swears there are no piranhas in the tank. “The most dangerous thing in the water would be her.”

For the wet wedding, Nickolas proposes an all-seafood menu and $200-a-bottle 1985 Dom Perignon. He can accommodate up to 200 people, and for $200 a head he’d supply food, drink and entertainment.

Entertainment?

“There are two other tanks and we could have synchronized swimming,” says Nickolas, “and maybe the Beach Boys.”

And in case you dry out, Nickolas promises to have the fire department nearby to hose you down.

A `WALL STREET’ WEDDING

Another idea for the bride: If her heart is set on conspicuous consumption, revisit the go-go ’80s with a wedding based on the movie “Wall Street,” in which you played an interior designer.

You could have it at Morton’s where Arnie Morton says that for $35,000 he’ll give 100 of your best friends a meal they’ll never forget.

He’ll start them out with baked lobster and serve it with Cristal Roederer Rose Champagne ($250 a bottle). Then the Morton salad, followed by 48-ounce porterhouses, nestled next to 1-pound baked potatoes and steamed fresh asparagus with hollandaise. All washed down with a very nice 1982 Chateau Mouton Rothschild ($250 a bottle). And for dessert, souffles served with Louis Treize cognac ($75 a shot).

And that isn’t even all that extravagant. “We have wines that are $500 and $600 a bottle,” Morton says. “A lot of traders from the Merc come in and they show how successful they were that day by ordering the most expensive bottle on the wine list.”

For decorations, consider simple silver bowls stuffed with cash. For entertainment, Morton suggests Sinatra.

A HOEDOWN A LA `MAGNOLIAS’

Here’s another wedding theme: How about a low-down Southern-style wedding based on “Steel Magnolias”?

“I see the wedding as part country, part elegant, with a sense of humor,” says Bub City owner Rich Melman. “I see Daryl in a wedding dress with cowboy boots. I saw her at a party once and she had on one of those flowing hippie dresses and combat boots. So I think the party should be black tie on top, Levis on the bottom. Sophisticated for the Kennedys, casual for Daryl.”

Melman says you can’t “monkey around with the food. It has to be good: caviar, smoked salmon, foie gras, lots of mint juleps and a 20-foot dessert table with cobblers and fresh strawberry shortcake. We’d have a vegetarian plate for her and we’d play bingo between courses.”

For music, Melman suggests alternating between a society band like Stanley Paul and a kick-butt country band like Burning Hunks of Love.

Melman says he could do a sit-down dinner for 300 people for between $55 and $65 a head, with decorations, entertainment and sweet table extra.

“For under $30,000, they could have something very upscale and special.”